Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
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[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
2022 be like
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
just having fun