Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
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I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police