Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
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ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
You know…for fall…
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.