I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
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I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq