I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
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Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.