To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
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Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
This is my emotional support knife.