When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
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Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk