girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
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I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Go girl power!
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.