A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
You Might Also Like
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
lmao
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle