Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
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Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.