CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
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*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Happy thanksgiving
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.