*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
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*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind