Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
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I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
A collection of me turning into random objects.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.