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Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I unironically love this joke.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!