Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
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[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
#parenting
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.