I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Just so funny
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
he chose this
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.