Sorry I made promises on Friday
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Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.