A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
You Might Also Like
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head