I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
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My birthstone is a marshmallow
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals