*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 馃憤*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
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every. time.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Fights fire with marshmallows
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must鈥檝e made this before
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I鈥檓 just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Jehovah鈥檚 Witness: have you found god?
me: I鈥檓 not telling you, that鈥檚 cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that鈥檚 not how you play hide and seek, you鈥檝e got to find him yourself!
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.