If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
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If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”