Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
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“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Monday?
No. Next question.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok