Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
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I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.