I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
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That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
True
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*