Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
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Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Print is alive and well!!!
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
I don’t want to say that my fiancĂ© is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Rooting for the overdog
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.