I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
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I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
crazy
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.