“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
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Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Beards are a privilege, not a right
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Come back with a warrant
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.