Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
You Might Also Like
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Who chose this font
whatcha thinkin bout
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.