Cheers Twitter.
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what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms