Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
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[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
c’mon!
Dear Lord..
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.