Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
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Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
*aggressively waits in line*
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
grotesque if literal: baby food
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks