*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
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Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
monday
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT