“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
You Might Also Like
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Safety first
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women