Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
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Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Hotels are back
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.