I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
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“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Quadruple digit IQ
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
This could’ve been an email.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.