The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
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I bet
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Cha-ching is my safe word
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese