The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
You Might Also Like
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
me
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain