This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
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Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal