Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
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I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Just me?
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.