DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
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[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?