Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
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this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.