party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
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Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know