I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
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Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
My first son he is wonderful
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen