I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
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If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?