I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
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My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression