Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
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ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…