Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
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Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age