Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
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*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Merry Christmas
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.