My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
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Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
guys i’ve cracked the code
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains