me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
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My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house